Where did the weekend go?!?

I missed posting yesterday, mainly because of time but also because routine went out of the window!
Breakfast was slimfast and fruit,
Lunch ( in the park ) was a shop bought beef and salad sandwich ( not the nicest either)
Dinner was leftovers from the stuffed marrow, just the filling, reheated with some grated cheese and delicious granary roll.

Today.
Slimfast and fruit.
Roast pork, new potatoes, green beans. and CRACKLING! I know, the worst sin ever, but lets face it, too delicious to pass up....it's the weekend after all.
The weekend has seen me eat things that haven't made me feel too happy, a piece of cherry shortbread and a small pack of ready salted crisps. Funny how a few weeks ago these very foods were mere snack in between other misery making, stodge filled meals, now they seem such a big deal! I have discovered breakfast bars as a snack, if the need for something sweet arises, one of these is a pretty good option. I couldn't imagine bingeing on them so one is OK in my book, every now and then.

Success.....

It feels good to see that the journey has begun. I like tracking progress and seeing good results.
Breakfast today...you guessed it. Slimfast.
Lunch ( and this is the menu....saving time by posting in advance!! Now I am back to add pictures because todays food looked SO good!)
Prawn salad, avocado and homemade low fat sauce ( low fat mayo, ketchup, lemon juice and paprika, mmmmmmm)

When food looks like this...can it possibly feel like a chore to be eating right?!?
Dinner is stuffed marrow ( squash) Half the marrow and score to the skin, fill with a mix of every kind of delicious vegetable, onions, mushrooms, peppers, courgette ( zuccini) carrots , tinned tomatoes, garlic, black pepper. ( softly sweat the veg until soft, add the tinned toms and seasoning and cook for a few minutes before filling the marrow halves) Cook in a hottish oven, in a roasting dish with water in, covered in foil for aprox 45 mins. Remove foil, cover in grated cheese and cook until cheese is melted. DELICIOUS!!


Look how pretty the colours are! I threw in some chick peas and some crisped turkey rashers too...this is before it is put in the oven and the cheese is added. It smells DIVINE!

and todays recipe.....

Great day today. Walking in sunshine, feeding of ducks and good food.
Slimfast
Egg and cress sandwich on great granary bread for lunch.
Dinner, I tell you was divine! Chicken type Quorn ( would be incredible with real chicken and next time I will use it!) cooked with yellow and red peppers, celery and the most delicious locally made ( though not as local as my own kitchen I have to say!) caramalised orange sauce. OOOHHH! Incredibly low in fat and calories but more delicious than I can possibly say.
I am actually getting weighed tomorrow ( at last!!) I hope I have good news but whatever the numbers, I feel pretty good.

sunshine for the soul.

The sun makes the world of difference to me, today was a beautiful day which saw me walking into town, not once but twice. Buying fresh ingredients and enjoying the market stalls and uplifted spirits of English people soaking up some rays!
Slimfast ( of course) for breakfast.
Pitta and ham for lunch.
Dinner was adventurous and not as successful as I has imagined but early days for new efforts so I know the tastes will improve. I bought some quorn mince, vegetarian food pretending to be meat. Actually it pretends very well without any fat and high in protein. I made a shepherds pie with it, browned it with an onion and black pepper, chopped some carrots in there and added some water and onion salt, 2 stock cubes and covered it in mashed sweet potato. I wish I had put more seasoning in it or used some canned tomatoes. Also I imagine if I had used half sweet and half regular potato it would have been nicer. H loved it as it was ( and as a huge meat eater that must say something) I sort of enjoyed it but knew it could have been so much nicer!

Hungry day today after being so ill and did indulge in a fry's turkish delight. These are the treat from heaven, low fat but so delicious and so heavenly there can never be guilt attached!

Do the roux people.

Ok, sick or not, there comes a time when good stuff has to be fed to the body. Today is the day!
Breakfast, slimfast because the school run is hell and if I don't grab a SF then I don't get anything and then I might scoff junk.
Lunch, yummy soup, Italian tomato and chicken soup with pasta, low fat range from sainsburys and beyond tasty and filling, also some beautiful fresh baked granary bread.
Dinner, poached plaice, fresh parsley sauce, look lets not buy a packet of hideous stuff with green bits of dried gunk in it, do the roux, its easy, use skimmed milk and fresh parsley and black pepper, low fat margarine. It's great. Beautiful new potatoes and some fresh green beans. This is a DINNER! I am deserving of good things. If I eat good things I will feel good. Because I feel good I know I deserve more, I bought new Pjs, pretty ones, not dull and skulking- don't- notice- me- because- I- am- worthless- ones. Pink ones and some black ones, soft and comforting because that's what I need.
I was speaking to a friend , who incidentally is also a councilor ( though not mine) suddenly she looked excited and said " you know what? You are going to DO this......you haven't once said "losing weight" or diet...do you realise you said "l am letting go of my weight" ? I hadn't but I think it is a different thing, if you lose something, maybe you will find it again, if you let it go, it's gone. Bye bye. I am becoming more profound each day. I shall soon be burning incense and meditating. I shall need a new name before long, any suggestions?

Oh oh .....My Isaac just said
" Nems your new jama's? "
" they are Isaac, do you like them?"
" I fink you are byoolafull"

Darn it, my doctor is away for a week, so although I went to see a different DR about my throat and got some anti biotics, no weigh in or discussion about the meds. The 'diet' ( hate to call it that as the very word tends to conjure up conotations of starvation and misery) is going very well. My mind is on a new setting lately. In all my mindful contemplations lately it has occurred to me that there is a pattern to my eating/ weight loss and regain. When I begin to get noticably thinner something in me panics, I now realise that there is a trigger and hopefully I will be able to fight against that when the time comes. When I panic and begin to eat again, I keep eating until I hit right where I am now. Funny how all the tables, all the charts etc tell me I am bordering on morbidly obese. However time and again I am told that no-one ever thinks of me as fat!
I am fat, there is no getting away from it, I don't like the way this body feels, it aches when it shouldn't ache and it gets way too hot too often.
I wonder why I stop when I hit this size? This is my limit and somehow I feel safe here. I have never had anyone be unkind to me, no sniggers in the street, no comments from strangers. The only person to not like me, is me.
I have noticed though that the bigger I am the more invisible I become. I have liked that, a lot. The squirming me likes not being seen. I hate not being heard though, as much as I have hated myself physically over the years I have always thought that I am quite nice. I make myself laugh and when I manage to do the same for others it's like pay day for me. Perhaps being this size is just right in that I am invisible enough to get by but not so invisible as to be nothing.
Today I had my slimfast for breakfast, which felt very soothing as it ran down my poor blistered throat.
Lunch was a pitta with wafer thin ham and some fruit.
Dinner was chicken and corn, couldn't face the rice that everyone else here loves so much....too dul for me unless it is plastered in a delicious sauce!
I still feel a bit pukey so it's no problem not eating much, how kind of the throat monster to help me in my quest for bodily perfection!

Just for King.

Who is worried about me not eating ( good heavens imagine ever being able to write that!) King, you are a swetheart.
Today for breakfast I had grapefuit and orange and a slice of toast ( ouch sore throat)
Lunch was a tuna sandwich ( mixed with some malt vinegar and black pepper, delicious) That felt like two slices of sandpaper filled with 1/4 inch screws going down, tasted very good though.
Dinner was some quorn cooked in low fat chicken soup with mushrooms and garlic and served with rice. Nice gentle dinner that was just what the doctor ordered. Plenty of water and fresh fruit. A good day. Doctors appointment tomorrow to check my weight and discuss the Orlistat.

Poor me.

I am poorly, throat with blisters and revolting stuff on it and a queasy stomach, today nothing appealed to me, so Slim fast for breakfast and lunch and for dinner I tired to eat pilchards on toast but just couldn't, settled for a bowl of shredded wheat minis with cranberries.

Hardly anything to write today because I ate hardly anything. Blimey, what is happening? I hope it keeps happening though because after my slimfast and a banana, I raced around until nearly 1pm and grabbed Mac D's for the boys, I chose a chicken deli sandwich and water..they put in fries, the lovely fries, my favourote ones, could sniff at burger kings fries but Mac Ds ones are like manna from heaven but guess what? I THREW THEM AWAY!... ME...... I think I deserve to wake up tomorrow at least 5lbs lighter because I just did it and thought no more about it until right now.
The sandwich must have been great because at 7pm I stood in the kitchen and tried to think of something that I should eat because I don't want my body to go into the starve mode thing and hold onto the fat...so I had 2 slices of bread with marmite and an apple.
That's it. Do you suppose regular people think like that? I can't fathom a life where food is actually something that you do when you are hungry. Feels pretty good.

A great day today, easy and stress free as far as the food goes. I had a councilling appointment this morning and during the session I began to understand part of my being so overweight. If I can get right to the heart of it then I really think the problem will be solved, once and for all. I have never been able to understand why I panic every time I actually begin to look good and lose a good amount of weight and today it 'clicked' at least it began to.
Breakfast was a slimfast and apple, I think I will stick to this as its so simple and quick. It suits me and I honestly don't feel hungry until lunch time ( especially if I keep busy!)
Lunch was a pitta bread, warmed and filled with wafer thin ham and cucumber, just a scrape of margerine.
Dinner was a chicken breast, baked in foil with black pepper and lemon juice, potatoes roasted in the same pan with a spray of olive oil, sugar snap peas & regular peas.
A handful of cranberries and raisins for a snack and plenty of water.
I find if I have a cadbury's highlights hot chocolate mid morning and an apple or banana it feels as though I have had something very sweet. 40 cals and low fat so another one in the evening doesn't hurt either!
Another day over and a feeling of having been kind to myself and achieving something good today. Can't beat it.

Marvellous me.

Today started off really well and slithered downhill from there. Slimfast for breakfast and lunch, which was probably why by dinner time I was ready to eat a scabby horse with a mad cow for dessert. Dinner today was a lamb steak ( thin ) braised with rosemary jelly and cooked with onions. A fist sized serving of mashed potato ( which is a killer for me because I LOVE mashed pots!) and peas.
Not bad but I did eat some liquorice allsorts and 3 bourbon bisuits. Hey, written down that's not nearly as bad as it felt. I felt sure I had blown it today but actually I am quite marvellous. Marvellous me. Maybe it was because I really REALLY wanted a mint choc chip Cornetto but Seth had the last one. I would have eaten it of there had been one though.
I popped into the doctors and got weighed, darn the place though, they weigh in kilogrammes, I have lost 4...what does that mean in English money? I know it doesn't sound much but it's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick and is going the right way. AF started last night too so maybe that made a difference? I shall know better on manday when I have the proper weigh in.

Hoorah!

Another good and practically painless day. Diet wise that is, darn car failed it's M.O.T which is enough to make me spit, ho hum, what's to be done?
Breakfast was a slimfast, love those things.......some grapes to munch on and a bucket of water and we were fit to go for the day with Isaac and mummy.
Brixham is a beautiful place and well liked for holiday makers. This means ( of course) that on every corner and in between there are fish and chip shops , is there a more mouth watering smell than chips and vinegar? The sound of seagulls, smell of the sea and fish and chips in paper. It is almost obligatory to have some. BUT I DIDN'T! I ate a small jacket potato, from the 'HOT and BUTTERY,' a little family run cafe that sells baked potatoes, one would assume, from it's name, that this would see you faced with a piping hot potato dripping in golden, melted butter. Now I avoided the chips, give me credit but the body is weak and I 'forgot' to tell them not to put butter on my hot and steamy spud. How bizarre then that it arrived, luke warm with a glob of margerine. Cheap margerine, white margerine that didn't even melt because the potato wasn't hot enough. Baked beans and salad. When I say salad, what I mean is a ripped piece of lettuce , one slice of tomato and some onion.
Isaac wanted chicken nuggets, which they didn't do...then he saw a scone and thought that looked good. the one he pointed to looked good but they gave him a different one. It was evil, it stared at him and he stared right back and he didn't eat it. He did hold his knife in a rather threatening way and try to terrify it into going back from whence it came but it just sat there, lopsided and brown. We don't like brown in this house, unless you are chocolate or have mexican blood we don't like brown. We love toast ( and when I say we, I mean they, the boys ) but not brown toast, when we ask for toast it is " can I have some light toast please" this means hot bread, just hot bread, not brown, crispy toast. A brown scone therefore was out of the question. I started to wrap the scone in a napkin to bring home for daddy ( am I marvellous? Did I even think of just eating it there and then and putting it out of it's unbuttered misery? ) bad move, he may not have wanted to eat it but it was there and it was his and he hadn't quite decided what to do with it. What was impressive though is that he didn't cry, or scream...he just scowled and made it quite clear that this lunch was not fun, not successful at all.
Eventually the scone was suitably sorry for being itself and brown and was wrapped until we got outside where it was eaten, after the brown was scraped off.
Dinner.....my favourite spaghetti dish.
Turley rashers ( the dieters dream, 98% fat free. I think 3 of them are 1 weight watcher point) they taste exactly like bacon, fried and crisped, cooked with onion , mushrooms, garlic and celery, canned tomatoes and stacks of black pepper. Poured over spaghetti, truly delicious and so low in calories and fat and anything bad that you can eat as mush as you like, as long as the pasta is rationed.
I am trying to decide whether to record measure ments here. Watching the inches go down is almost as satisfying as losing the lbs but I'm afraid to measure myself let alone record it! We'll see.

good day.

Mornings are hard here, crazy and always a rish, even if we aren't going anywhere, mornigs are hurried! The boys and their clothes are an issue and so getting dressed is stressful. Breakfast gets forgotten often by me, always thinking I will make something later I too often forget and then get so hungry that anything quick will do....big mistake as something quick almost always means something stodhy, fattening and depressing. I notice that certain foods affect how I feel in a huge way. Sugar makes me irritable, too much wheat ( bread/ cakes/ biscuits) make me depressed. typically the things I like most make me feel the worst! So, today I bought a supply of slimfast so that when things are crazy and hurried I can drink one and at least know I'll be OK until lunch.
Breakfast today was a slimfast on the run to a morning out together.
Lunch was ...what was lunch?? Oh I remember, on the way home we went to the pub, Jordan's work actually and had a bacon baguette and salad.
The kids played in the playroom and I had a lovely chat with H who was terribly interested in everything I had to say. I burbled on until I noticed that he had wires in his ears....the ipod came to lunch!!
Dinner, yum, chicken breasts cooked with garlic, crushed chilli, black pepper in some low fat condensed mushroom soup, extra mushrooms and served with rice. I am actually sticking to the guideline that a portion of carbs should be the size of your fist, looks like a teeny serving when you first start but really, it IS enough.

Great tip ( works for me anyway) Jelly babies. They are so sweet that if you really need a sugar hit they work fast. I can never EVER eat more than 6 before I feel sick. I haven't sunk the depths where I have looked for or even wondered how many calories are in 6 jelly babies, I simply cannot believe that such a treat would be anything to make Mr Weightwatcher, Mrs Slimming world or Jenny Craig have a breakdown.
I have walked past little hoards of choclate feasts that the boys have obviously decided are to be avoided at all costs, some delicious galaxy thingumies with biscuit and gogeous dribbly stuff in the middle. Funny isn't it, we can buy treats and hide them, lock them away even and they disappear, Sophie can sniff chocolate out from a distance of 300 yards......but wouldn't you know it? These blasted things are here, there and everywhere and NO-ONE IS TOUCHING THEM!!
I didn't get weighed today as the doctors are closed for the bank holiday, so next monday it is. I hope that by then it will be doubly impressive and encouraging...also the day to see if I get the prescription for the fat busting, bowel quivering medicine!

The beginning of the end of the blob?

OK, so I have my other blog, my every day chunterings about what happens in my world..this one is different, I have started ( again ) on a road to betterdom, less of me but more of ME. I completely appreciate that to list what I eat and what exercise ( if any, being realistic here) I do, any progress or not, on my other blog might have the few readers I have losing the will to live and leaving me in their droves ( or pairs, or even on their own) .
I want to write about all that stuff though because I am told that listing what you eat helps you to curb it. It's also handy, on the less successful weeks to look back and see what did work. I could write on a piece of paper or a notepad but lets face it, I'm a show off, if there is the chance that maybe ONE person will read me and say I'm great..well, I have to do it. It's the law.
So blobblog is my way to make what is going to be a pretty tough challenge and a long haul experience a bit more fun for me.
If I can look at a loaf of crusty bread and call it satan and get it behind me, I shall look forward to writing about it. If a slice of apple and caramel cake is too hard to turn my back on as I walk past the bakery by my house I shall try and think of a way to laugh about it and make it a simple lapse, not a huge wicked thing that will doom me to fatdom for ever and ever.
I love this idea already and how fitting that I begin on this day. Easter sunday...when I am surrounded by delectable treats that are forbidden because they won't help me get thinner and they also belong to my children. Normally that wouldn't stop me but once they have been handed over it's sort of mean to steal them, who'd take candy from a baby after all ( unless they don't know you have it yet and then it's fair game because you can always go out and buy more and keep eating it until you are either very poor, very fat or very sick.) It really brings it home just how much you eat when your two year old puts his goodie basket down next to you and immediately feels so afraid that you will eat it all that he drop kicks it across the room to keep it safe. Not that my two year old did that or anything.
I always say that chocolate is delicious but can easily be lived without. I much prefer bread and potatoes and good old stodgy stuff that hugs you and tells you that it will make you feel better and make that misery go away. I can live without chocolate but not when it's in my face. I am human after all.
Sophie was trying to make the boys pace themselves today, I stopped her in her tracks and told them that if they want to gorge and be done with it that's perfectly fine. Thankyou. Who wants piles of chocolate screaming their name day and night ( and the nights are terrible for me, insomnia and boredom and hours and hours of being alone.....sort of feels like a good thing to eat then. Of course the fact that no-one can see helps, or makes it worse. )
Things would be bad if those terrible 'peep' things ever look tasty to me. Who thought of making those? chicken shaped blobs of marshmallow ( but not the good stuff) covered in the brightest yellow goopy gritty coating, my teeth itch at the sight of them but I am told that they are compulsory in an easter basket. I am finding them everywhere. I think they must be alive, as they have been leaping out of baskets and trying to escape all day.
I didn't do the traditional huge Easter roast dinner, I cooked some pork and did some low fat roast potatoes....half cooked them, put them on a pizza pan and sprayed them with lowcal spray, put paprika on them and they were delicious after 40 minutes in a hot oven.
So, today I had a tin of grapefruit for breakfast, low fat noodles for lunch and for dinner, roast pork, cabbage and low fat potatoes with gravy. I have snagged some chocolate but in a controlled kind of way...not scoffing or gorging or cramming. Good.
Tomorrow is my one week mark, I shall record what weight I have lost then.