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    It is most deifinitely time to start this blog back up again. Please join me in my latest attempt to be more splendid and happy and less fat and grumpy.

    Monday, April 24, 2006

    Darn it, my doctor is away for a week, so although I went to see a different DR about my throat and got some anti biotics, no weigh in or discussion about the meds. The 'diet' ( hate to call it that as the very word tends to conjure up conotations of starvation and misery) is going very well. My mind is on a new setting lately. In all my mindful contemplations lately it has occurred to me that there is a pattern to my eating/ weight loss and regain. When I begin to get noticably thinner something in me panics, I now realise that there is a trigger and hopefully I will be able to fight against that when the time comes. When I panic and begin to eat again, I keep eating until I hit right where I am now. Funny how all the tables, all the charts etc tell me I am bordering on morbidly obese. However time and again I am told that no-one ever thinks of me as fat!
    I am fat, there is no getting away from it, I don't like the way this body feels, it aches when it shouldn't ache and it gets way too hot too often.
    I wonder why I stop when I hit this size? This is my limit and somehow I feel safe here. I have never had anyone be unkind to me, no sniggers in the street, no comments from strangers. The only person to not like me, is me.
    I have noticed though that the bigger I am the more invisible I become. I have liked that, a lot. The squirming me likes not being seen. I hate not being heard though, as much as I have hated myself physically over the years I have always thought that I am quite nice. I make myself laugh and when I manage to do the same for others it's like pay day for me. Perhaps being this size is just right in that I am invisible enough to get by but not so invisible as to be nothing.
    Today I had my slimfast for breakfast, which felt very soothing as it ran down my poor blistered throat.
    Lunch was a pitta with wafer thin ham and some fruit.
    Dinner was chicken and corn, couldn't face the rice that everyone else here loves so much....too dul for me unless it is plastered in a delicious sauce!
    I still feel a bit pukey so it's no problem not eating much, how kind of the throat monster to help me in my quest for bodily perfection!

    2 Comments:

    At 4:05 AM, Blogger JUDE said...

    You Btits dont like rice. I love rice and sometimes have it in the morning instead of cereal. Even when it get cold in the fridge, I can go in and rip me off a hunk and eat it cold in a ball. Sorry you missed your primary. I want you to feel better soon and got you got on anitbiotics finally. I think you're perfect already, regardless of what you think. I just wish you could enjoy yourself better when you get down to your ideal size. Make love more at that time!

     
    At 2:59 PM, Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

    If you make the rice with bouillion cubes in the water it helps :)

    As for the struggles with getting thin and then reversing, I actually blogged about that too in my early diet days. I honestly think that our psychological reaction to people noticing us physically (even if it's the positive WOW you LOOK GREAT) is very difficult on us women who've been trying so hard to hide behind out bodies. Kudos to you for recognizing the challenge. It's one I struggle with still but so far I'm winning :)

    Hugs

     

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